Putin to meet Putin’s table for peace talks with Putin’s table

by Gabriele Bonafede

Invited for peace talks with Zelensky in Turkey, president Putin refused. However, the Russian president is organizing peace talks with Putin’s table to speak about possible solutions.

Despite his reputation of a tough negotiating partner, Putin’s peace talks with his table look very challenging. Everyone knows that Putin’s table is always long-standing and stubborn. It does not provide long speeches and all too often remains silent and defensive.

Undeniable difficulties about talks between Putin and Putin’s table

To tackle undeniable difficulties, Putin is planning to talk with Putin’s table with a sitting-on posture designed to carve-out key territorial concessions. Distance between the two negotiating partners is particularly wide and widening. Main disagreements range from the positioning of Putin’s table between imperial decorations and paintings, direction of tv screen and exposure to artificial lighting.

From anonymous informants among chairs and kneeling furniture, it looks like the president would plan a stubborn offensive to gain room’s space. Yet, rumors from Kremlin indicate that other fundamental subjects require patience and networking efforts to contest underlying issues such as floor, tiles and feet.

Rumors about unwanted participants muted by Kremlin

Additional rumors point to the unwelcome participation of at least two small tables to the meetings. But the Kremlin clarifies that small tables will be muted and participating only as auditors with no right to pose questions, raise issues or commenting on any ongoing discussion.

Other participants in the meeting room assured to be silent. It is the case for what concerns doors, ceiling, door handles, Putin’s chair and even the microphone.

It is anticipated that Putin’s peace talks will be executed with closed doors. Not even a fly will fly within the space of the undisclosed meeting’s venue. Cigars, cigarettes and any inflammable material are banned as well within a range of two miles from meeting’s location. Russian authorities are of course ensuring high security standards for all participants to peace talks.

It is expected that Kremlin’s personnel might record meetings. Press-releasees from TASS might follow as well as press conferences on talks’ progress. In a rare move toward press freedom rights, other information sources will be strictly prohibited.

Putin will not be accompanied by any other member of his cabinet, although Lavrov’s phantom is looming somewhere. After all, it is solely on Putin’s side to decide on real outcome of peace talks with Putin’s table.

More articles in English here, many of them satirical.